Simply, numbers.

Here I love you.
In the dark pines the wind disentangles itself.
The moon glows like phosphorus on the vagrant waters.
Days, all one kind, go chasing each other.

The snow unfurls in dancing figures.
A silver gull slips down from the west.
Sometimes a sail. High, high stars.

Oh the black cross of a ship.
Alone.
Sometimes I get up early and even my soul is wet.
Far away the sea sounds and resounds.
This is a port.
Here I love you.

Here I love you and the horizon hides you in vain.
I love you still among these cold things.
Sometimes my kisses go on those heavy vessels
that cross the sea toward no arrival.
I see myself forgotten like those old anchors.
The piers sadden when the afternoon moors there.
My life grows tired, hungry to no purpose.
I love what I do not have. You are so far.
My loathing wrestles with the slow twilights.
But night comes and starts to sing to me.

The moon turns its clockwork dream.
The biggest stars look at me with your eyes.
And as I love you, the pines in the wind
want to sing your name with their leaves of wire.

Pablo Neruda
(translated by W.S. Merwin)

janus

"All shall be well, and all shall be well,

and all manner of thing[s] shall be well."

Julian of Norwich

I read this quote a couple of days ago

(in an extremely strange magazine that someone brought to work that had crazy Gothic clothes and some crazier...um..."toys". Guess this proves you can find inspiration in all sorts of places).

It has kind of become a mantra for me.

I even painted it on the wall in my living room.

I like it.

I suppose the reason it struck a chord is because

my life has been in a constant state of upheaval for the last few months.

I'm typically a positive, hopeful person...

I've found it increasingly difficult

to keep my attitude and focus on the upside lately.

BUT...good news for me--

Time moves ever forward.

The scenery changes quickly.

As a person adamantly opposed to living a monotonous life,

I'm grateful for this certainty.

The changes can be as refreshing as rain

(and we all know how much I love rain).

I'm learning to adjust my stride to move along with

the alternating crawling and sprinting of life...

always in the process of learning that necessary skill.

It's been a season of transitions for me and my little loves.

I sent my youngest to Pre-K this year

(seriously...talk about time moving ever forward.

At an incredibly furious pace.

Didn't I just bring him home from the hospital?? Yikes.)

That, added to a few other big changes,

nudged me into the "8-to-5" world.

I started this new phase of my life...

my great "professionalism" adventure, last Monday.

I am finally using the degree that I am [still!] paying for...

I am Jackson County's newest Child Welfare Specialist. Yipee. :)

Truthfully, excruciatingly boring training videos,

books, and online courses aside, I really am enjoying my job.

And exciting news for my Norman/Oklahoma City friends...

I'll be spending a large amount of time on the OU campus

for job training over the next couple of months.

I'm going to have to insist that you kidnap me from my hotel.

Especially if there is some sort of dining experience involved :)

IHOP, did you say?? Absolutely!

Packing my old daily cleaning/maintenance routine into the weekend days is not as difficult as I imagined it would be. On Saturday I cleaned my entire house, mowed the lawn, trimmed the hedges, did my normal workout, and carved pumpkins with the boys. (Superwoman? Yes I am...haha.)

All the while, chanting my new mantra

"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well."

Adumbrate

For all the cool people that come check out my blog during the moments in their life that are so boring they have nothing better to do:
Thanks for reading. :)
and,
I'll be posting some new blogs soon. I've been uninspired lately...unmotivated, unaccomplished, undisciplined, unaccepted, unfocused, uneven, unbecoming, unbraced, ungraceful, unclear, unloveable, unconvinced, untuned, unwanted, unwise...a bad case of the "un-"s.

I recently realized that I tend to live my life in an ellipsis.
And you'll get to read the rest of that revelation soon.

So keep coming back. I won't leave you hanging forever.

In the mean time...the in-between time,
My love to you...

Excerpt...

from my newest thoughts inspired by unintended silence...

It's safe to say
I often wonder what would be
if the refusal
that stands ready in my mind
near thoughts of you
and dreams that breathe life into wishes
simply slid away...

In the stars

The story always ends in tragedy...
just as it was written to end.
Regardless of this inevitability, each time the scene plays
I hold my breath on a hope
that he'll see the slight movement of her hand
before he drinks the poison...

Caveat

"These violent delights have violent ends
And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,
Which as they kiss consume: the sweetest honey
Is loathsome in his own deliciousness
And in the taste confounds the appetite:
Therefore love moderately; long love doth so;
Too swift arrives tardy as too slow."

Friar Laurence
Romeo and Juliet

It's own antonym...

I've always thought the word cleave slightly odd...

"To adhere firmly and closely or loyally and unwaveringly" is one definition.
But the same word, same spelling also means
"To divide by or as if by a cutting blow"

Isn't that somethin'?

I've been into Pablo lately.
Here is another of his poems in which I find pieces of me...


I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But,
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

If You Forget Me
Pablo Neruda

Diecisiete

No te amo como si fueras rosa de sal, topacio
o flecha de claveles que propagan el fuego:
te amo como se aman ciertas cosas oscuras,
secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma.

Te amo como la planta que no florece y lleva
dentro de sí, escondida, la luz de aquellas flores,
y gracias a tu amor vive oscuro en mi cuerpo
el apretado aroma que ascendió de la tierra.

Te amo sin saber cómo, ni cuándo, ni de dónde,
te amo directamente sin problemas ni orgullo:
así te amo porque no sé amar de otra manera,

sino así de este modo en que no soy ni eres,
tan cerca que tu mano sobre mi pecho es mía,
tan cerca que se cierran tus ojos con mi sueño.

Pablo Neruda, Soneto XVII

(I don't speak fluent spanish, unfortunately, but I imagine some of the feeling is lost in translation. Still, the translated version is incredibly beautiful and worthy of a google.)

Belonging

With a small pang of trepidation,
(oh, the ache of misgivings)
I placed it in your open palm,
and saw it cupped gently there.
Lifting the hand closer to your face
your eyes widened,
as if by widening they could capture more vividly
the delight in that fragile moment.

Your lips curved up softly...
a smile slowly bloomed
like the petals of the morning glory,
until the light from it matched
the light in already shining eyes.

You glanced up at me...
so very briefly
with an absent recollection that you were not alone
with the loveliness you held.
I caught a flicker of joyful gratitude in the look,
but my face could not hold your attention
and back to the pulse all concentration was drawn.

Delicately, you curled long fingers up
then over
in an innocent attempt to protect
that which was placed in your care.

Your breath quickened,
heartbeat steadily increased
pounding out a pleasure-rhythm
felt all the way in my core...
so close I was to you.
Forgotten, I stood,
but enchanted by your fascination
I forgot myself.

Tender fingers gradually tightened;
you didn't want to drop it
for fear your heartbeat would level
and the vitalizing buzz racing
through your veins would still.
Just a little firmer you gripped
not wanting the radiance to be
greedily gulped by a nearby wanderer.

Justified in your mind,
you curled tighter
that self-made haven
until nails scored tiny slivered moons into skin.
To be certain the risk of losing the new possession
had been eliminated,
you pressed the hardened fist to your chest.

Again, your attention was mine...
the pieces left, anyway,
for your mind was divided
and a bigger portion was inside that palm,
resting serenely, you believed,
with the pulse of a desire.

We exchanged words...
none of which mattered;
I knew what you wished
and I was not it.

Then, desperately fiening for the high,
aching with sighs to reunite,
you unclenched defenses
and found nothing.

"Remember,"
I whispered.
"Don't lock it away
only to be enjoyed in small moments
then wounded by the crushing weight of your fear."

And raising my hand
with no reservations
I released the gift
back into yours.

abstraction

If I were a painter, I would paint my reverie
If that's the only way for you to be with me.
We'd be there together, just like we used to be
Underneath the swirling skies for all to see.

Now I'm dreaming of a place
where I could see your face
And I think my brush would take me there...

But only if I were a painter
And could paint a memory.
I'd climb inside the swirling skies to be with you...
I'd climb inside the skies to be with you.

Painter Song
by Norah Jones

"Confess, your kiss still knocks me off my legs.
The first time I saw you was like a punch right through my chest.
and I will forever, 'cause you'll forever be
my one true broken heart
pieces inside of me
and you'll forever my baby be."

He's always got the words...

"...goodbye my love, into your blue, blue eyes,
your blue, blue world
you're my baby blue."

My Baby Blue
by Dave Matthews Band

"...but I see beauty there always"

I felt incredibly spoiled today.
I'm convinced that Washington knew I was coming,
and in a gesture of welcome
gave me the perfect late spring/early summer day.

I slept poorly last night.
I felt a bit like a small child on Christmas Eve...
far too excited for morning to come to get any sleep.
As soon as the sun came up, I was outside.

I started the day with a jog at the lake two blocks from my dad's house.
(Didn't really run...too caught up in snapping pictures.)

This was my morning view.
Beauty.

I'm pretty much in love with this neighborhood...

After dinner, Grandy took the boys fishing while I ran.
(Had to make up for the lack of running this morning.)

I ended the day on my dad's huge front porch,
listening to some Azure Ray and breathing in the cool night air.
Seriously...perfection.

My other home...

Washington!

It's been WAY too long since I've been here.

Camden and Dylan's first time in the sky...
They were very well-behaved.
Right as we were taking off, I asked Camden if he felt afraid.
He said "Well, no. For goodness sake."

"Grandy" (my dad) greeting us at the airport...

Mnemosyne

"We lay aside letters never to read them again,

and at last we destroy them out of discretion,
and so disappears the most beautiful,
the most immediate breath of life,
irrecoverable for ourselves and for others."
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe


Destroying nostalgia
is something I never do
I'm far too sentimental
Probably excessively so.

Time is a panacea,
a charmer...a changer...
a re-writer of emotions and a healer of grief.
I'm stubborn, impatient, and prefer to be
the enchantress rather than the enchanted...
so I have to swollow more of the magical elixir of time.
The overly sweet flavor isn't generally something I enjoy
Alas, the necessity to breathe is compelling.
Oh, if only a spoonful is all it took.

Tell me what you use...
Maybe I'll buy it next time.
For most certainly there will be a next time.

And until then, I won't be the one to erase
"the most beautiful, the most immediate breath of life..."
I'll just pack it away...
save it for my favorite rainy day...

Goodbye 37

Grey Street
by Dave Matthews Band

Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out on to Grey Street

She thinks, "Hey,
How did I come to this?
I dream myself a million times around the world,
But I can't get out of this place"

There's a loneliness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together, to grey
And it breaks her heart

How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she knows well He doesn't listen
There's still a hope in her He might

She says, "I pray
But my prayers, they fall on deaf ears.
Am I supposed to take it on myself
To get out of this place?"

There's a loneliness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together, to grey
And it breaks her heart

She hears the voices, they're outside her door
Saying take what you can from your dreams
Make them as real as anything
It'd take the work out of courage

But she says, "Please
There's a crazy man that's creeping outside my door,
I live on the corner of Grey Street
and the end of the world"

There's an emptiness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It felt like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her
using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together, to grey
And it breaks her heart

It breaks her heart, to grey

"Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself."
Mark Twain

Airplanes.
Always fun for little kids.
We had an end of the year [End of the year! Yay! See me doing my dance??] field trip for our group at the church today. We took the little ones on a KC-135. Twenty 3 & 4 year olds...running wild on a tanker. Luckily, we had a few spare pilots hanging around to make sure they didn't fall out of the plane.
Kidding.
Kinda.
:)

The plane, with Dylan looking on. He was very excited.

This is Liam. He is one of Dylan's best friends.
Together, they're nothing but trouble.

Dylan and Liam, climbing the steps to board...


Dylan's very first stop was the pilot's seat.
Seriously.
He got in there before anyone else had a chance...haha.


Then he got his shot at boom operating...
without actually operating the boom, obviously...

...but not for lack of trying. He was, in this moment,
attempting to convince Clint to open the window.


After everyone got their chance at the pilot's seat and the boom, we took them to the life support division to check out the parachutes, night vision goggles, and life rafts. When we finished the tour of life support, we ordered the box lunches that the pilots eat and took the kids to the park for a picnic. (I didn't take pictures of that...I was busy feeding children. Craziness, there. They all wanted to skip the sandwiches and go straight for the kitkats.)

Clint scored wings and patches for all of the kiddos...
(how exciting is that for a 3/4 year old?!?)

Dylan was awfully proud.

Camden didn't get to go on this field trip, because he's in big boy school.
But he did get a pair of wings and a patch.
He was awarded "most curious student" of his class this year.
Is it at all obvious why??
Dylan's decided he's going to fly a plane one day...so that's nice :\
I'm glad he's only four,
and has several years before he will actually make that choice...haha.

But overall, fun day.
Definitely something out of our norm...
which is always welcome.

"We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams."

I had a dream a few nights ago that I went back in time...
Like, faaar back. Back to the '50s/'60s
(ish. Poodle skirts and bubble gum).
I was in a classroom of high school students.
Everyone was sans color, except for me and my ipod.
Yes...the only thing I had with me was my music.

And I was sharing it with all of the cool kids.


(This wasn't the music I was sharing with them. That was rap of some sort. This is what I'm wanting to share with you...a little Otis always makes me smile.)

Every feeling and emotion experienced
has been expressed in lyrics and spun into a beat.
It's true.
You'll always be able to find
the best company in songs.
I do.

My "music soul mate" (haha)
reminded me of a great song just yesterday.
It's been playing in my head ever since...
it's good company to my melancholy
(as Damien's songs often are)
and some of the words run alongside my thoughts
nearly perfectly.


Cannonball
by Damien Rice

There's still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
It's still a little hard to say what's going on

There's still a little bit of your ghost, your witness
Still a little bit of your face that I haven't kissed
You step a little closer to me,
so close that I can't see what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
And love, it taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball

Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words that I long to hear
You step a little closer each day
so close that I can't say what's going on

'Cause stones taught me to fly
And love, it taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannon...

Stones taught me to fly
And love, it just taught me to lie
So come on courage
Teach me to be shy
'cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't want to scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just,
you don't know

Evidence...

I believe the fingerprints on every wall, mirror, and window
in my house and car shout [very clearly] "I'm here!"...
I can hear Camden and Dylan's cute little voices
and laughter every time I erase a print with Windex.
I remind myself, as I'm in a constant state of scrubbing,
that there will come a time when I'll wipe the last one away
and it won't be replaced.

I had to capture this particular "shout" with my camera.
I knew who put it there. It was Dylan.
His little hand is still red from the marker...haha.

I called him over to ask him if the handprint belonged to him.
He carefully inspected it,
placing his pudgy fingers over it for comparison...

...and his conclusion was "I don't feel like it's mine."
HA!

I really hated to scrub this one away...

Contentment =

Some of my newly discovered fav songs playing in the background,
Dylan falling asleep in my arms...


enjoying one of Camden's wonderfully animated stories
(more than once...haha)



while the rain falls intermittently on a dark spring afternoon.
:)

I find myself wishing, in moments like these,
that I could figure out how to make time stand still.
They never seem to last quite long enough...

Faithful to the utterly unfaithful...

When I was in high school, we had an intern named Andy. He was my pal. :)
He introduced me to this song by Jennifer Knapp. The lyrics caught me the first time I heard them. It came to my mind the other day...kinda out of the blue. I love it when that happens...

"All the chisels I've dulled carving idols of stone
That have crumbled like sand 'neath the waves.
I've recklessly built all my dreams in the sand
Just to watch them all wash away.

Through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile
To One who sees passed all I see.
And reaching out my weary hands I pray that You'd understand
You're the only One Who's faithful to me

All the pennies I've wasted in my wishing well
I have thrown like stones to the sea.
I've cast my lots, dropped my guard, searched aimlessly
For a faith to be faithful to me.

Through another day, another trial, another chance to reconcile
To One who sees passed all I see.
And reaching out my weary hands I pray that You'd understand
You're the only One Who's faithful to me."

Faithful...that's His character. How much love must it take to be faithful to us, a people that really have no idea what it means to be faithful to anything? Even when I am shamefully unfaithful to Him, He remains.

Oh, Mercy Me...

"If I could just sit with You a while, if You could just hold me
Nothing could touch me though I'm wounded, though I die
If I could just sit with You a while, I need You to hold me
Moment by moment, 'till forever passes by"

Just breathe...

I'm a fair-weather runner. I SO look forward to spring, because I get to start running again with regularity (and without my forehead/brain/lungs/fingers freezing). The sporadic running in the winter isn't enough to keep me in shape for my preferred long distances. It takes a couple of weeks to get my body worked back up to running the 6-10 miles I aim for on most days in the summer/early fall.
I love running long distances. It makes me feel strong and accomplished. Those miles can be tough to get through, though...especially with my wandering mind. In order to do well and finish strong, I have to keep myself from drifting too far into the beat of music, or fretting too much over the problems I'm currently facing. I have to talk my body through it..."stand up taller...shoulders back...head up...steady breathing, in two, out two..." or else I find myself slouching and panting.

During another contemplative swinging session on the playground today (what is it about swinging that puts my mind in the "deep thoughts" mode?), I was considering the parallel between the successful completion of a long run and the successful completion of a really tough day. I'm finding that in my most difficult moments, it helps a bit when I set my focus on the basics..."stand up taller...shoulders back...head up...steady breathing, in and out..."
Just a thought...

"Sunkist" and "Squirt"...or something like that. :)

She smiles in the sunshine...
I'm at my best on cloudy and moody days.

She blissfully soaks in the extreme heat...
I happily shiver in cold air.
She became who she is when she was
at the beginning of her second decade of life...
I'm ever changing and don't know who I'll become
with the next breath I take.
But we both dream in memories of the past
and smile at shared moments.
We love mint chocolate chip ice cream
(um...ice cream in general, really) and reading good books.
We love our children with our whole hearts,
and love each other as dearly as sisters.
I know she'll laugh with me when I'm happy
and cry with me when I'm hurting...
and she knows I'll do the same for her.
She's always one of the first to get down in the trench
with me...no matter how deep and dark...
and fight for me.
She's the truest definition of friend.
We cherish our time together.
It doesn't happen as often as either of us would like!

The last two times we've "vacationed" together,
we've both carried our cameras around to capture fun moments.
And both times we realized at the end of the week
that we didn't get any pictures of the two of us together.
Oh, well...we know we were there.

We got to go skating for a couple of hours for old times sake. :)
It was fun, despite the crash early in the evening...haha.

Our only picture together from the week
was at Chuck E Cheese.
It was one of those photo-booth, pencil sketch things.
It took us a few takes to get a couple of good ones
(one for each of us)
and I was going to post mine,
but I suck at the whole scanner thing.
So...you can just trust me that we're
super-cute best friends. :)

Two thousand, one hundred and eighty miles...

We started the journey back to Oklahoma on Thursday morning.
I wanted to take more time getting home,
because I felt like I was torturing the boys by
making them sit in the kiddie seats for so long...haha.
We went back to Madison County.
I wanted to find more of the covered bridges.
The boys had fun running through this one...
probably mostly because they were tired of being in the car.
The whole time they were running through it they were saying
"MOM! Take a picture of us running in the bridge!"
So I did, of course. Several of them.
Here are just two of the many...

We stopped at a hotel...
making sure the one we chose to stay in had an
indoor pool and hot tub.
We swam before bed, then again after breakfast.
It was fun and relaxing.

Here are my cuties...
ready for swimming in their new swim trunks...
(You can see the remnant of a tattoo on Dylan's belly...haha.)

And after swimming...wet hair from mom dunking them. :)

They were troopers on the long ride. They did really good.
We sang songs and had fun conversations.

Dylan="Mom, why do we get out of the house when it's on fire?"
Me="So that we don't get burned."
Dylan="Well, why does it burn us?"
Me="Because it's super, super hot."
Dylan="Does fire want to be hot?"
Me="Um...I don't think fire has a choice...it just is."
Dylan="So what if fire was on fire?"
....and it keeps going.
They're very curious about all sorts of random things.
Patience is necessary when traveling with two young boys.
That, and the ability to tune them out when you get
tired of answering questions. :)

They also napped a bit.
I can't see how this would be comfortable,
but they seemed to be ok with it.

They had a lot of fun in Minneapolis,
but they were glad to be back in Altus.
Camden asked what town we were in
every time we passed through one.
When we finally got to Altus,
he asked [again] what town we were in.
I said "Well, what town do you think we're in?"
He looked around and said "ALTUS!"
I asked him why he thought that,
and he started pointing to buildings and saying
"Because that building is in Altus,
and that building is in Altus...
and that's how I know!"

Dylan spotted the plane in the park and that's how he knew.
As soon as we got to the house, they ran into their toy room
and put on their cowboy boots, hats, and guns.
They were excited to be reunited with their favorite things...

Brownies for breakfast and ice cream with a fork...

We had some fun days in Minneapolis. :)

Here are a few pictures...
(I think I have close to 200 on my computer! So these are just some favorites.)

Camden, Dylan, and Gabriella playing with a baby toy together
in their cute footie pajamas.

Gabriella was very curious about the boys.
She watched them a lot...with a serious look on her sweet face.
She loves them and they love her.
Check out Camden's crazy morning hair...haha.


Gabriella and Auntie M...
Ready for the Mall of America.

We rode a few rides...

The boys played in Lego Land...
Camden was pretty excited about it.
I think Dylan eventually got excited, too.


Gabriella had fun with the straw.
So adorable, isn't she?

We took the kids to Chuck E Cheese on our last night in Minneapolis.
They had never been before, and they very much enjoyed it.

Like I said...fun days. :)
I loved getting to spend time with my best friend.
It doesn't happen nearly enough.

We've only just begun...

Ahh...

What a day. I made the choice to travel through a few states with my boys in the backseat to spend Spring Break with my best friend Rachel, her husband Jeremy, and her baby girl Gabriella.
Not sure if that makes me crazy or brave...haha. But we made it.
I captured a few moments on the way. I'll share some of them with you. :)

The boys had their pillows and blankets to snuggle with.
I imagine it made the ride more comfortable...at least for a while.
They also used them to make tents.

The patient driver...
weeeeee...


We stopped at Cracker Barrel for lunch.
I've always thought that place was pretty neat, with the cool toys and rocking chairs. Dylan had macaroni and cheese (which they call mac-ree-oni). He ended up with some of the tasty cheese around his sweet little mouth. Camden thought it was funny, and called it Dylan's "mac-ree-beard"...haha.

I told Camden the rules to the peg game.
He decided it was more fun to play his way.

Dylan got a kick out of my lunch time photo session...
and he insisted (with a giggle) that I take a picture of the biscuits.
He also wanted me to take a picture of the jelly...and butter...and spoon...

They had a fire lit in the huge fireplace.
Dylan had a hard time sitting still for the photo, so he's a bit of a blur...

After a few more hours of driving, my eyes started to glaze over. I impulsively took an exit, just anxious for a bit of a leg stretch (and some gasoline)...
and I ended up finding this little town
with a pretty church and covered bridges.
It was in Madison County.
So yeah...the impulsive exiting ended up being a happy accident. :)
I was anxious to get to Rachel's,
so I didn't spend much time looking for the covered bridges...
but I did get to run through one.


The pretty church in town...with RED doors!

I got to the end of town and pulled into a driveway to turn around...
and saw these signs.
It made me laugh.

We had a long day of driving. By the time we got to Minneapolis, the sun had gone down for the night and our butts were numb...haha.
But we're still smiling, because our adventure is just beginning...
:)

My reasons...

Camden and Dylan are everything in my world. They make me laugh (often in the same moment that they're making me completely crazy)...
They're amazing little people.
I was cleaning out my inbox on myspace and I ran across a Camden/Dylan story. I have to share it on here because...well, it's just funny.
We were riding in the car one day, listening to a preacher on the radio. (Kind of abnormal for us. It's normally programmed to some sort of rap...lol)
Anyway, so the preacher was praying. At the end of it he said "ah-men", instead of the "a-men" that the boys are used to hearing. From the backseat I hear...
Dylan="AH-men? What is AH-men?"
Camden=(in a matter-of-fact voice) "It's Spanish."
Oh. Ok. Question answered...


They both loooove singing. Seriously, they sing ALL of the time. Especially Camden. He even makes up random songs...adding a bit of a tune to a regular sentence that he's trying to communicate...("When is dinner?" to the tune of Frere Jacques. Yeah...random...)
I have a youtube account so that I can share some of the moments that I catch on film with my dad, since he lives far away and doesn't get to see them often. Gotta spread the joy.
:)
Here are a couple of the newer clips (they're still kind of old...I need to post new songs. Maybe soon...)

He might have gotten a few of the words mixed up ("you're pimply heaven"??? haha!), but it's still incredibly adorable...


I taught both them the Altus High School fight song as soon as they were able to speak. It's pretty cute when we go to football games and they can sing along with the band. Go Bulldogs :)

One little something...

I'm a lover of words. Often when faced with the reality of a moment, I find that words fail me. I need more than a moment to channel the whirling thoughts into meaningful conversation...lol. Which is why I love writing. When I'm out of the immediacy of a moment, words don't fail. I can sit here and stare at the Microsoft document for an hour with only one sentence typed...and given time, I can create.
I have such a strong desire to create. I have words running through my mind...small fragments of "somethings" that long to be crafted into significance and worthy of consideration. I want to write a song...a poem...a book...

I enjoy solid quotes. One of my favorites, possibly because of its simplicity and straightforwardness, is "Start by starting". (Glenn Close...smart, eh?)
So one night I went out to the reservoir. I thought I'd be inspired by the water...the sunset. That place usually inspires me. I was going to "start by starting". I bought a new notebook. I bought new pens. (in purple, even...a color that, in my world, is associated with epiphanies ;)
I heard the wind...and I heard the thoughts in my mind. Still formless. They weren't lyrics, or lines of a poem, or sentences for a book...they were just rolling pieces.

"I'm finding I need very little persuasion to think of you...so entwined you are in my mind. Even so small a thing as a breath is filled with your scent.
There is no need for a token, lovely as they are.
Because the simple is filled with you, any other tangible memory overwhelms my senses."

My thoughts were racing, but the sun went quickly. I lost the light...
And all of the images and words in my mind went with it.
I found that my hands weren't quite as proficient with a pen as they were a keyboard, and my thoughts outran them.
All I could think as the sun set on my creativity was that I really needed a drink of water and a bathroom. Hm.

I'm not going to give up, though.
I can't let go of the desire.
I need to want something attainable for a while.

relief in the nonsensical

It's sleeting/snowing here today. I'm warm in my fleece pajama pants, wrapped in a fleece blanket, listening to my boys laugh while they play soccer in the house. Presently, my life is in a vicious spiral of uncertainly (not "adventure"...please note that there is a difference), so these small moments of contentment are welcomed and treasured.

I have kids...and I work with kids. Mostly, they're obnoxious. But some days they remind me of how wonderfully uncomplicated life can be...and they teach me a little lesson on how to garner pure pleasures from simple moments. One day during play time, Emma spent 30 minutes (yes...30 whole minutes) spinning. She'd spin, fall from her continuous and dizzying rotation, then get up and spin again. I just watched her, thinking "how on earth is she finding herself contented to spin while everyone around her is running around chasing the ball?" Hm...

The majority of people dislike it when their life moves in the same direction every day, causing a rut of monotony. I know I typically do. I like adventure (here's where you'd recall the "note" about uncertainty not being equal to adventure). Overall, I'm not a fan of sameness. I get bored very easily. I think I create a lot of that tedium myself, becoming a monotony monster. I have learned that I'm extremely proficient at desensitizing myself to happiness found in the ridiculous (i.e. Emma's wonderfully childish enjoyment of spinning). You can go ahead and jump under this speeding train of realization with me...you know you're a monster too...

As I said earlier, my life is alternating between viciously spiraling uncertainty and terrifying standstills. Unsure of every step I take, I'm finding my monotony in a lack of positive forward motion. In a season where far reaching decisions seem overwhelming, I'm determined to remember how to find small, simple moments of pure and uncomplicated pleasures. I'm sure they're all around me...I just need to strip off the world-weariness that I'm currently clothed in.
And, instead, focus on how incredibly comfortable and warm fleece is on an icy day.
:)

Sigh my name

I had a beautiful impression.
It was there only moments ago,
but when I reached for it, it danced away.

It was about losing something...
Something that might have been worth more
than the reality for which it was sacrificed.

It is taunting me,
but unwilling to surrender in full.
I hear pieces, drifting on sighs...
("...with sadness, feel what once was stirring
float away on an exhaled breath.")
It's at the edge of my memory,
loath to be recalled.

Should I consider it lost?

For now, here I am
without what I had.
Wondering why
it seems so important to remember...

what my heart won't let me forget.

mo mhian

I have some things that I've writted that have been in my computer files for a very long time. I rarely feel like sharing them, because they never feel...finished.
But I decided to post this one. And maybe I'll post a few more later...


You looked my way...
In that quiet flash of time, our eyes engaged
and the sun rose.

Memories of an empty, restless night slid away
with the blooming, radiant blush of day.
Beauty suspended in that instant...
Within those gentle moments, the light shimmered,
spreading it's brilliant rays...
filling every voided space
with passionate and colorful shades.
Everything was washed in a soft glow.
A longing rushed through me...

then you looked away.
The shiny moment passed,
and the sun set.

Lovely memories...

The other night, a friend and I were talking and he brought up the idea of "summer time friendships"...which reminded me of a blog I posted two years ago on myspace. I'm re-posting it on here, because it's something that I think about often...especially with the Air Force Base being here in Altus. Anyway...if you'd like to read the original blog, here's the link. You might even find a comment written by you at the end of it...

So...last night I spent a large amount of my time searching my house for the cords to my printer. About two years ago, I put them somewhere. At that moment I thought it was a good spot- a spot where I would be able to find them when I wanted to use them again. I was wrong. It must have been a bad spot, because I can't find them.

So, during my futile cord search, I ran across a bag of notes/letters/cards from my school days. I actually knew it was there, but I never take the time to go through it. All of the sudden I thought it would be just the time to read the hundreds of little notes that I've had packed away for all these years...lol. I found a couple of notes and cards from this guy that had a huge crush on me in 7th grade (whatever happened to him...?), and I found a couple of notes from a boy that I loved in 9th/10th grade (I still love him, actually...and talk to him occasionally). Chances are, if you ever went to camp with me---at any point in my life--I have a note from you. Very possibly more than one (remember having "mail boxes" at camp and getting prayer grams?) I have notes from people that I don't even remember (shame on me for forgetting!) Most of the notes say "I love you"...and I know that a lot of those people wouldn't say that to me now...lol. (Being caught up in the "camp experience" makes you love everyone!) So many of the notes say things such as "friends forever", or some similar endearing phrase. When you are in that moment, reading those little loving notes, you have no reason to question that you will, in fact, be friends forever. You somehow believe that it is true. Call it a childish thought or whatever...but you do. It makes me a little sad to think about how easily those "forever" friendships dissolve. I mean, I don't know where even half of the authors of those little notes are now.

It is interesting how people move into your life for some period of time...spend time loving you and knowing you...then just slip out, leaving little pieces of themselves and taking little pieces of you. Then in the present, you run into them at Wal-mart or some such place, and no matter how close you were in the past, it almost seems like you are strangers now. It's just part of life...a sad but somehow necessary part.

Then there are friends that remain...not many, but a few. I read a card from one of those friends today...sweet. It was from my 16th birthday. She said something like "we have been friends for 4 years. Can you believe it's already been 4 years?!" Little did we know at the time that 4 years would turn into 14...and it makes me wonder how our relationship will be in 10 more years.

Makes me want to cherish the time that I have with people...because if (or more truthfully "when") they slip away, and our lives take different forks, the lovely memories will remain...

"Magnitude" and...me.

A couple of blogs ago, I posted my want list. I hesitated to allow others to read it for a number of reasons...including a bit of trepidation in sounding like an incredibly selfish girl, but mostly because of a fear that I'd fail myself in a [somewhat] public way. What if I don't achieve any of those things? I mean, you know me, you've read my list...I'm sure you'll notice if I never move to Alaska, right? lol.

But ultimately, I believe that it's beneficial to speak our wants and desires into the universe. I don't mean that in a mystical way. I'm just saying, if we speak our dreams into life (or blog them into life, as I've done...lol), we are held accountable in making them a reality. Everyone will wonder and ask if we've "done it yet", and who wants to say no? Yeah...not me. It's not fun admitting defeat...especially if I've defeated myself.

I read a quote the other day, and it really incited some deep thinking.

"Vision without action is merely a dream.
Action without vision just passes the time.
Vision with action can change the world."
Joel A. Barker

I can want/wish/dream/desire often and hard, but no matter how badly I yearn for something, it is unattainable without action. It'll remain on my list of things that I aspire to accomplish and adventures that I hope to experience before my life is over.

To leave a safe path for an unknown in pursuit of a dream, risks are taken. It takes courage and faith...and failure is always a possibility. I can't achieve something great without chancing failure. But I just have to do it. I have to move forward or I'll just be standing still. Makes sense, right?

I'll Be Loving You Forever...

I went to Dallas this past weekend. It was completely amazing. My wedding day, the birth of my children, the NKTOB concert...yeah, it's up there as a highlight in my life...lol. Sounds pretty silly, but I don't mind sounding silly. I simply don't have the words to even begin to tell you how awesome it was. I just don't...so this will be a short post.

I left Friday and drove down to Fort Worth to my sweet friend Sarah's house. I spent the WHOLE weekend eating, shopping, and playing. The highlights were 8.0 (www.eightobar.com) in downtown Fort Worth, and [of course!] the New Kids on the Block concert. Natasha Bedingfield opened for them. I didn't even know she was the opening act, but I was extremely excited when I realized it. She was great. Then I was completely blown away by the guys. Seriously...lol. It was insane.

Here are a few pictures from the concert. I'm sure you've probably already seen them if you're on my myspace/facebook...but I'll post them here, too.

Close up on our rad blue hair.
Yeah...we looked cool.

'80s girls, wearing my old New Kids Shirts from back in the day...
ready for the concert!

Sarah, Miranda, and Donnie!

They moved from the main stage to a small, rotating stage right behind us!

I also recorded a few short video clips and uploaded them to my youtube account (http://www.youtube.com/profile_videos?user=justmyranda). Very short, but still fun. You'll have to excuse the shaky camera. I was [obviously!] pretty pumped, so my hands were trembling. Plus, all of the other excited girls wiggling and jumping around me made the floor vibrate...lol.

I have a couple of other blogs simmering in my mind, so I'll be posting them this week. Until then...

(OH, and p.s...do any of you know how to post a hyperlink on here? I couldn't get it to work...)

For my birthday,

I want autumn. I want a personal cook. I want to live in a lighthouse in Maine. I want to write a book that everyone wants to read. I want them to know what I know, and have what I have. I want to be a high school guidance counselor. I want to live in a loft in New York City. I want new black flip-flops. I want to help someone. I want to carve another pumpkin. I want an elliptical machine. I want to live in Bend, Oregon. I want to be missed when I’m not there. I want to be a morning person. I want a teapot...or two. I want to open an art gallery. I want to take ballet classes. I want to go to Georgia to meet my sister-in-law. I want to live under the northern lights in Alaska. I want a canopy bed and a new dresser. I want to walk on water. I want a new winter coat that I’ll never wear. I want to run a marathon. I want to live in a cabin on a mountain in Colorado. I want to go skiing. I want to make a difference. I want a real pantry, and a real laundry room. I want new clothes. I want to visit Ireland...and maybe live there, too. I want to build a house that looks like a castle. I want a peanut butter cup mix from Braums. I want to go see my dad, his wife, and his new house. I want six-pack abs. I want a new purse. I want to see myself the way you see me. I want to chop off my hair. I want to be well known. I want to own a ranch. I want a daughter. I want a pretty garden. I want my best friends to live where I live. I want a new tattoo. I want to have my own library. I want a comfortable recliner. I want a window seat. I want to have a girls weekend at a beach house in South Carolina. I want to go back to Kennewick to see it. I want to go to Italy. I want to see the sea. I want to surf, but just once. I want to live on a plantation in the South. I want to write a song. I want to laugh that hard again soon, and as often as possible.

I want to be content with who and what I am, what I have, and where I find myself in this moment, while striving for who and what I will be, what I will acquire, and where I will be tomorrow. I want to have love for every moment, and never feel regret. I want to leave a legacy of joyfulness and peace, so that when my children think of me, they’ll smile.

I want to live it.

Famous

Er...ok, so maybe not famous, precisely. BUT, everyone (or a good number of people?) received a flyer in the mail last week featuring the Carlisle family, hanging out [posing] with Charles Ortega (the actual featured person). And so what if you can barely tell it's me, with my hair flying wildly about my face? As I've gone on with my everyday business around the town of Altus, I've had several people mention that they saw us in the flyer. 

So there it is. 

Famous. 

Almost?...lol.

 Anyway...in case you were completely mesmerized by the photo (ha!), the message of the flyer was to vote for Charles Ortega. He's a stand-up person. He would definitely be the best choice...

"We are the music makers..."

I typed this up last week. I didn't post it because I'm not entirely sure I purged my mind with my words. I typically like to get all of my thoughts on a particular subject out and together before I post it...but whatever. I didn't want to leave the Microsoft Word document open on my desktop anymore...lol. So if I read through it and decide to add more later, you'll just have to read it all over again.

I love to write poetry. One of the most satisfying things about it is that I can write my deepest thoughts, and if I word it in a vague way, I know what I mean but you don’t. And although I always mean something very specific, you are free to interpret it any way you like. It’s like I’m shouting a secret, and no one hears it. It’s great...very cathartic.

My favorite type of poetry is musical lyrics. I’m very into lyrics. I’m drawn to a song first because of the beat and the singer’s voice, but it truly grabs me when the words are great. That’s one of my “things”...I always look up the lyrics. I enjoy reading them...
My current profile song on myspace is I’m yours, by Jason Mraz.

"I've been spendin' way too long checkin' my tongue in the mirror

and bendin' over backwards just to try to see it clearer

But my breath fogged up the glass

and so I drew a new face and I laughed

I guess what I'd be sayin' is there ain't no better reason

to rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons

it's what we aim to do
our name is our virtue"


I’m not entirely sure how he intended these words to be understood, but it prompts my emotional mind...

We try so hard to see what we “are”...and our image is nearly always distorted by our efforts.

I don't think we ever actually see ourselves as others do...for better or worse.

I mentioned in my previous blog that I’ve changed quite a bit in the last few years. In reality, I’ve nearly become a whole new person. I’m becoming the person that I want to be. It’s fun. I don’t care what you think of me, or if you don’t agree with the choices I make or the way I present myself. I’m just gonna be me. I’m going to live while I have breath. If I’m moldable (and I hope I am...I’d like to think that I'm receptive to good change), I want to be the artist responsible for my shape. When I look in the mirror, I want to smile at the face I see looking back at me. I’m nearly there...

Simply this...

Eh...
Well, I've had this blogspot account opened since May. I don't typically run short of things to say...but for some reason, I just haven't used this particular blog. Maybe I was hoping to launch my new page with an entry that would be hugely fantastic...the problem is that I haven't had any hugely fantastic thoughts lately...
But I don't want my blog to be naked anymore. So, I'll just write whatever comes to mind and proceed from there, k?

I'm assuming that most of the people that are reading this already know me (or perhaps you're just a creepy blog stalker and you don't know anything about me?)

But maybe you already know that I am merely Miranda. I am nothing special, but completely unique. Ever changing, but always...Miranda

I was on a playground today...swinging slowly and thinking about what makes our personalities. Is it something that is instilled in us when we're born, or is it something we create...constructing ourselves into what we want to be...choosing attributes that fit an image we desire to portray? I'm nothing at all like I was when I was younger...hardly the same as I was even in high school/early college. I'm ever evolving...

Am I responsible for becoming what I am...or do my circumstances and life occurrences shape me? Maybe both. Probably. Being a bit of a control freak, I like to think that I hold most of the power.

;)

Just for fun (or in case you're one of the folks that is lurking around in the earlier parenthesis), I'll type a few words that I believe describe some aspects of me. This list is by no means all inclusive. I don't believe I could type enough words to paint myself on paper...and certainly not with 10 simple phrases.
But here goes...
I am...
-obsessive compulsive (but not in the real, medically diagnosed way. My sister sometimes refers to me as "anal". I would say I'm just...particular.)
-a picky eater...incredibly picky.
-I have a healthy obsession with health (because how could an obsession with health not be healthy?)
-a writer
-a runner
-fickle...and temperamental to go along with it. So watch out.
-a lover of art...in all of its' forms.
-a list maker. Lists keep me...sane.
-incredibly and sadly sentimental.
-blessed/cursed with a strong and vivid memory and imagination.

So. Aren't you glad you know me?...(or, again for those parenthesis lurkers, don't you want to know me?!)

For the last two(ish) years, I've been posting my thoughts on myspace. I'll likely post some of those blogs on here...or at least the links...because everyone should read what I've written.
:)