relief in the nonsensical

It's sleeting/snowing here today. I'm warm in my fleece pajama pants, wrapped in a fleece blanket, listening to my boys laugh while they play soccer in the house. Presently, my life is in a vicious spiral of uncertainly (not "adventure"...please note that there is a difference), so these small moments of contentment are welcomed and treasured.

I have kids...and I work with kids. Mostly, they're obnoxious. But some days they remind me of how wonderfully uncomplicated life can be...and they teach me a little lesson on how to garner pure pleasures from simple moments. One day during play time, Emma spent 30 minutes (yes...30 whole minutes) spinning. She'd spin, fall from her continuous and dizzying rotation, then get up and spin again. I just watched her, thinking "how on earth is she finding herself contented to spin while everyone around her is running around chasing the ball?" Hm...

The majority of people dislike it when their life moves in the same direction every day, causing a rut of monotony. I know I typically do. I like adventure (here's where you'd recall the "note" about uncertainty not being equal to adventure). Overall, I'm not a fan of sameness. I get bored very easily. I think I create a lot of that tedium myself, becoming a monotony monster. I have learned that I'm extremely proficient at desensitizing myself to happiness found in the ridiculous (i.e. Emma's wonderfully childish enjoyment of spinning). You can go ahead and jump under this speeding train of realization with me...you know you're a monster too...

As I said earlier, my life is alternating between viciously spiraling uncertainty and terrifying standstills. Unsure of every step I take, I'm finding my monotony in a lack of positive forward motion. In a season where far reaching decisions seem overwhelming, I'm determined to remember how to find small, simple moments of pure and uncomplicated pleasures. I'm sure they're all around me...I just need to strip off the world-weariness that I'm currently clothed in.
And, instead, focus on how incredibly comfortable and warm fleece is on an icy day.
:)

Sigh my name

I had a beautiful impression.
It was there only moments ago,
but when I reached for it, it danced away.

It was about losing something...
Something that might have been worth more
than the reality for which it was sacrificed.

It is taunting me,
but unwilling to surrender in full.
I hear pieces, drifting on sighs...
("...with sadness, feel what once was stirring
float away on an exhaled breath.")
It's at the edge of my memory,
loath to be recalled.

Should I consider it lost?

For now, here I am
without what I had.
Wondering why
it seems so important to remember...

what my heart won't let me forget.